


Malarkey

by 9foxgrl



Category: Halo (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Divergence, Carolina and Simmons are nerds, Carolina is a Potterhead, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Fantasy elements, Gen, Halo elements, M/M, Memory flashbacks, Project Freelancer, Redemption, Sci-Fi Elements, Secretly Related AU, Simmons and the Director are Star Warriors, The Director is just done, more pairings to be decided
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 02:04:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/9foxgrl/pseuds/9foxgrl
Summary: Reunited, cousins Simmons and Carolina must work through their emotional pains in order to work together and track down the Director. But as a wise person once said' nothing is ever easy. Not when the universe seems to be throwing everything at them and "NO CAROLINA, THERE IS NO FAMILY CURSE!"





	1. Prologue

**_Mother of Invention- Four Years Ago_ **

  
“Director, may I have a moment of your time?”  
“Come in Counselor.” Leonard groaned as he set down his glasses to rub his tired eyes. The stoic man raised a brow as his associate came in holding a data-pad. “Care for a drink?”  
“I thought you decided not to indulge in alcohol outside of shore leave,” Aiden commented as Leonard reached into a hidden drawer on his desk and took out a decanter of amber colored liquor.  
“If your sense of peace was suddenly torn apart by the arrival of your child’s wickeder half you would turn back to the bottle too,” Leonard commented as he poured them both a glass.  
Aiden took a sip and had to fight back a cough as the liquid burned down his throat. “This is rather strong.”  
“Authentic Irish whiskey courtesy of my third cousin Eugene,” Leonard commented as he poured his glass and tossed it back without even flinching. “Some men devote their lives to curing illness, Eugene devoted him to making the perfect armament of liquors.”  
“Armaments indeed.” Aiden mused aloud.  
“So, what was it that you needed to speak to me about?”  
“I wanted to talk to you about adding your nephew to our roster.”  
“No,” Leonard replied in his usual no-nonsense tone as he poured another drink.  
Aiden’s brow twitched. “Director; statistically speaking if Carolina is presented with a competitive situation she will abandon her team to tackle the situation by herself. However, if Private Simmons is with her, she would more than likely adhere to caution.”  
“Counselor, have you heard of the ‘Sigmund Law of Chaos’?”  
Aiden’s curiosity was poked once again. “It’s a phenomenon that abnormality personalities in a concentrated area will cause abnormalities in the environment itself. An advanced version of Murphy’s Law if you would.”  
“My family is the reason for that law,” Leonard replied. “In the later years of WWII, an overanxious group of Nazi spies attempted to kidnap one of my Great-Great Granduncles use as a political hostage. His two civilian sisters rescued him armed with only a handful of knives, a cat and a bottle of wine. SOMEHOW they not only managed to release Thom and other hostages, but they also burned down the bunker and stole an unknown about of gold. One hundred years ago a faction of the Aryan Brotherhood attempted to kidnap my great-grandmother Keshet after she legalized gay marriage on the Luna Colony. To this day her cat Nanuk is considered the unofficial ‘god’ of the colony.”  
“Director; that scenario only seems only to make it more favorable to enlist him.”  
“Counselor; I raised them together for nearly ten years. In those ten years I got on a first name basis with half of Austin’s police department, three judges, two Texas Rangers, the District Attorney, six FBI agents, and four Magistrates.” Leonard ranted before taking another shot and then slammed down the glass.  
Aiden’s mouth twitched slightly as he tried to fight off a smile. “I would assume they have matured with age.”  
“A week after Carolina turned sixteen I left them home alone while I had to go to a conference off-world. They snuck out to a bar, started a fight, stole a car being used in a bank robbery and was chased by the state police across five counties. They nearly made it to the border when they were stopped by Border Patrol. I didn’t even know they had been arrested until Judge Sorola called me personally to pick them up in El Paso!”  
“What if we alter him between missions and R&D?”  
“HOW IN THE HELL IS THAT SAFER?” Leonard practically shrieked. “If he doesn’t come up with sixteen different ways to blow up the ship in a month he’ll be sneaking out to go on missions with Carolina unless we lock him in the brig! Even then, she would be breaking him out to rain the flames of hell on the enemies!"  
“Surely you’re overreacting-“  
“Together they have the subtly of a MAC cannon.” Leonard deadpanned before suddenly going wide-eyed and rigid in his chair as his ‘danger’ senses went into overdrive for the first time since his thesis presentation.  
“Director?”  
“There is a disturbance in the Force,” Leonard whispered in horror.  
Aiden was very confused but then nearly fell out of his seat as the ship was rocked by an explosion. Leonard didn’t waste a second to run out into the hall towards the training hall.  
“WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAPPENED HERE?” Leonard shouted as he took in the scene.  
Carolina was standing off to the side with a soot-covered soldier in unfamiliar white armor. There was rubble everywhere, half of the training room was scorched, Agent York was laying on the floor and was being shaken by Agent North, Agent Maine was staring up at the ceiling and-wait. “WHY IS AGENT WASHINGTON ON THE CEILING?”  
As if on cue the gray soldier lost his grip on the smoldering rebar and fell, but was thankfully caught by Agent Maine.  
“Ow…” Washington whimpered.  
“Oh my.” Aiden mused as he approached.  
“It was my idea, sir,” Carolina stated helpfully. “I wanted to test Private Simmons in a lockdown paint scenario, and it evolved into this.”  
“Has anyone seen my spleen?” York slurred in confusion.  
“Agent Carolina…. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND? YOU LET HIM PUT ON ARMOR AND NEAR THE FUCKING EXPERIMENTAL WEAPONS?”  
“Only lockdown paint,” Carolina replied in an innocent tone as she tapped Simmons’ shoulder with her knuckles. “And the armor is still a prototype; no enhancements or special settings whatsoever.”  
“I didn’t expect the pellets to explode,” Simmons replied sheepishly.  
Leonard rounded onto his nephew with a vein visibly pulsing on his forehead. “HOW THE FUCKING HELL DID YOU MAKE LOCKDOWN PAINT EXPLODE? IT’S ENDOTHERMIC!!!”  
“I honestly have no idea,” Simmons admitted. “I was trying to turn the gun into a grenade.”  
“A lockdown paint grenade…that actually sounds handy.” Carolina admitted, choosing to ignore the looks of terror from her team. “And I thought we agreed; the laws of science have skewed around him since he inherited the family curse.”  
“THERE IS NO FUCKING CURSE!” Leonard screamed. “WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ENCOURAGING HIM?”  
“Me? You’re the one who gave him The Anarchist Cookbook when he was ten.” Carolina stated incredulously.  
“Dear God, he looks like he’s going to have a stroke,” North muttered to York as the medics finally arrived and started to tend to the concussed Freelancers. Leonard made a noise between a groan of discouragement and a yowling cat as his face turned a shade of puce.  
“Uh oh, …spaghetti-os…” Washington drunkenly sang.  
“Take a picture please.” York slurred.  
“Count back from ten sir,” Simmons stated helpfully as he pulled a paper manual out of nowhere and was using it to fan the man’s face. “Use the Force.”  
“Deep breaths sir,” Carolina added. “Don’t let the darkness consume you, use the Patronus Charm.”  
“Happy thoughts sir, happy thoughts.”  
“Agent Carolina…Private Simmons…you are dismissed.”  
“Yes, sir.” The cousins replied uniformly. Carolina leaned towards her cousin as they walked out.  
“So…you up for learning how to fire a rocket launcher?” Carolina asked curiously.  
“Oh, I already read the manual, but is there any chance you could teach me to use that gravity hammer or one of those alien needle guns?”  
Leonard turned to look at his soldiers and growled out. “Agents…NEVER let my nephew meet Agent Illinois.”  
“Yes, sir.”  
 


	2. Go Ahead, Make my Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "They’ve been at this for almost an hour, how have they not run out of insults yet.”  
> “They had years to prepare.”  
> “FLUFFERNUTTER!”  
> “IDJIT!”  
> "I feel like I should be taking notes."

_ Valhalla- Present Day _

“No way-NO FUCKING WAY!”

“JUST LISTEN TO ME!”

“FUCK OFF! YOU LOST THE ‘BIG SISTER’ PRIVLEGE WHEN YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH!”

“AND YOU ELOPED!”

“IT’S NOT THE SAME THING!”

“IT IS TOO!”

“DON’T TRY TO JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MESSED UP THE CLAN GOT WHEN I SENT WORD TO NANA VIOLET? WE STILL HAVEN’T HEARD FROM ALVIN!”

“HE PROBABLY SUCCOMED TO THE CURSE.”

“THERE IS NO FAMILY CURSE!”

“BULLSHIT! WHAT DO YOU CALL ALL THAT CRAZY SHIT OUR FAMILY GOES THROUGH EVERY GENERATION?”

“SIGMUND’S LAW OF CHAOS!”

“NOW THAT IS BULLSHIT!”

“Are they arguing again?” Wash stated in disbelief as he watched the two cousins shouting at each other in the field between the bases, Grif and Lopez were lounging against the door to the base watching the cousins to make sure they didn’t come to blows again. With the ceasefire still in effect, Sarge reluctantly allowed the Blues to stay at Red Base for dinner, and Wash was not a fool to turn up free food-especially Sarge’s country stew.

“They’ve been at this for almost an hour, how have they not run out of insults yet.”

“They had years to prepare.”  

“FLUFFERNUTTER!”

“IDJIT!”

“I feel like I should be taking notes.”

“PETTIGREW!”

“BANTHA FODDER!”

“DEATH EATER!”

“YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!”

“BITCH I LIVE THERE!”

“What started the argument this time?” Wash asked curiously.

“Dunno,” Grif replied with a shrug as the others cautiously approached the door. “Carolina apparently wanted to talk to him in private, and then this mess started.”

“They shouldn’t be fighting. They should be hugging and crying about missed time.” Caboose stated wisely.

“Pretty safe to say their family doesn’t work like that.”

“Well, looks like we stop this argument the old fashion way,” Sarge grunted. Before anyone could stop him, the veteran soldier fired his shotgun into the air, making the cousins pause mid-swear word.

“If you guys don’t mind, we’re in the middle of a conversation here.” The two redheads replied eerily in unison.

_‘Good God, they even got the creepy twin-speak down.’_

“We’ve noticed.” Grif deadpanned.

“And it’s scaring off the wildlife!” Sarge bellowed.

 _“Que vida salvaje?”_ Lopez deadpanned. _“Los buitres?”_

“You’re right Lopez, their screaming could scare the right pants off of you,” Donut added.

“That’s not what he said.” Grif grumbled.

“So, what kind of malarkey got ya two hollering?”

The cousins glared at each other again.

“Leah wants to me to help her kill the Director.” Simmons replied through clenched teeth.

There was an eerie pause, and an even eerier silence as the two cousins glared at each other in a manner that could kill while the Reds and Blue exchanged a concerned look.

“And Simmons can help because-?”

“He escaped the UNSC, and I know Dick can find him.” Carolina replied sternly. “All he has to do is hack into the UNSC database.”

“If the UNSC can’t find him, what makes you think I can?” Simmons replied.

“You hacked into Fort Knox by accident when we were ten, the NOAA satellites and the CIA at eight. You even wrote the basic programming that was for ONI’s security firewalls.”

“What?”

“…you didn’t know.” Carolina replied uneasily as Simmons’s organic eye twitched.

“Obviously not-THAT SONAVABITCH STOLE MY PROGRAMS?”

“ENOUGH CATERWAULING! I’M CALLING AN EMERGENCY RED TEAM MEETING-Hummingbird, you go sit with the Blues.”

“Hummingbird?” Carolina repeated in confusion.

“He means you.” Grif replied as he half dragged his husband back into the base.  

“Come on Carolina, before they break out the Molotov cocktails again.” Wash sighed. “And we sure don’t need a repeat of last time.”

“Ooh I love those, they make pretty explosions!” Caboose replied happily. “And the Reds let me throw them on the Fourth of July!”

“Yeah, if they’re not flying at you.” Tucker replied with a wince. “You burned off my dreads last time.”

“Ah, so you’ve seen Dick’s curse of defying thermodynamics.” Carolina replied sagely as they entered Blue Base. Unlike Red Base’s homey feel, this one looked and felt like it was hit by a natural disaster.

“Simmons said it wasn’t a curse.”

Carolina turned to look at the Blues and then laughed. “He can make nonflammables explode-what do you call that?”

“Carolina, you haven’t seen anything yet.” Wash deadpanned.

 “Uh huh, well word of advice, keep a fire extinguisher near every room and all flammable liquids locked away.” Carolina replied as she looked around.  “Hey, Wash…how did you end up finding my cousin in a Sim Base?”

“I just…stumbled onto him.” Wash squeaked.

“Agent Washingtub and Maine tried to take him hostage. And tried to kill him.” Caboose answered. Wash screeched in horror as Carolina turned to look at him murderously. 

_“YOU DID WHAT?”_

_“I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY!”_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My loyal followers, thank you for being so patient in waiting for the sequel to Unexpected. I'm still working on the prequel, so I hope you enjoy the story.


End file.
